August 15th, 2017: Sweet Chili Heat
It was a Tuesday night, late Summer when I first layed eyes upon her. My mouth watered at the thought of eating those cwispy babies. I had bought them from my local 7/11 with such certainty that they would satisfy my cravings. Home at last, I opened the bag. The delectable aroma of chili heat almost swept me off my feet. I could tell she was going to take me for a wild ride that I would remember for the rest of my life. I was ready to become one with this savory seductrice. My hands trembled as I cautiously raised a chip to my puckered lips which were coated in a film of saliva, eagerly anticipating the chip's entry. The moment was finally here, and god I was so ready for it. My toes curled and my breath was staggered as my teeth pressed down upon the chip. I could already taste heat radiating through my mouth as the chip's essence dominated my tastebuds. Who would have thought that a simple bag of Doritos could reduce me to such a shameful, primal state. I twitched and writhed in a maddening heat that overtook my entire body. Suddenly, an electric sensation pulsed through me as I felt the most intense ecstacy I have ever experienced in my entire life. I swallowed. The chip was now a part of me.
There I was, enveloped in the afterglow of an orgasmic pleasure that I would chase for years and years. Never again could I ever be brought to this state again and never would I find a chip as hot as this one. I recommend this flavor with great caution, it will grant you an experience you could never hope to achieve again, a height which could never be passed.
January 4th, 2020: Nacho Cheese
I am a hollowed vessel. Doritos have become the only food item I can eat anymore. All this time spent chasing the cheesy high was in vain. I used to only eat Sweet Chili Heat, it never felt the same after the first bag though. I don't even think they make that flavor anymore, it doesn't matter anyway. This hole within me could never be filled by any ordinary Dorito and I've never managed to find another that could possibly make me feel the same way I did on that sacred Summer night. My sight has been affected by this Dorito diet as well, my vision has developed yellow hue that tints all which I see. Not even sleep gives me rest from this hell, I grind my teeth violently during my dreams imagining the savory crunch of ground corn chips. My doctor tells me that I need to introduce new foods into my diet as soon as I can, he said he's very worried about my health. He doesn't understand when I try to explain that it would all be worth it if I could reach that state of ecstasy that I had once felt.
I just fucking wish I could feel anything at this point
March 20th, 2020: Cool Original
You know, for all the pain that Doritos have brought me through, there were still some good things to come from my crippling addiction. I had bonded with a friend over our obsession. We would go to the parking lot of a nearby Outback Steakhouse and consume countless bags of Doritos together. Cool Ranch was my buddy's favorite. It's a shame what diabetes did to him, the poor bastard. At one point we had to amputate his left foot right there at the Outback. He didn't have medical insurance, what else could we do? Anyway, we haven't talked in a while. Last I heard from him, he was trying to actually quit Doritos entirely.
As for the Cool Originals, I personally don't like them that much. They taste like cardboard, the fucking things.
April 15th, 2020: Tangy Pickle
Oh god oh fuck I forgot to file my taxes. I'm in a world of shit and all I have to eat are these tangy pickle doritos. Jesus CHrist what the fuck am I going to do I'm already in deep financial shit I can't afford to take another hit like this. My hands are trembling typing this, should I like contact a lawyer? A tax professional? Am I going to be alright? Please somebody just tell me I'm going to be fine. The tangy pickle doritos are irritating my stomach ulcer and I genuinely feel sick. But anyway I just watched this episode of Rick and Morty where Rick turns himself into a pickle, it was the funniest shit I've ever seen!
